It’s again the other day. I have been spending most of the time of my days thinking “Am I worth doing Science?”. All thoughts are centered around this single question.
It has been more than a month I started to hit on the rock, in the hope it will crack one day in the next 3-4 years. I started my PhD. Ever since I was in masters, I always thought of doing science in a “never give up” way. I never thought it would be easy but I thought I can handle.
Before starting PhD, I worked as a Research fellow. During that period, I was confident, I thought I am ready to work on my longstanding dream. Eventually, I started applying for open positions and at last I reached Europe to begin. Relocating from one country to another (one continent to other) and adjusting to the new culture and environment is another layer of complexity in the process of achieving dreams. I thought these effects would be minimal and absolutely they are, compared to the stress I deal with the Science.
I thought the confidence and the flow I developed before starting PhD would be constant. No, I am a kindergarten once again, yes, I am learning A,T,G,C.. once again. It’s not the way I earned the grades in my masters or under graduation and It won’t be same again. It’s a different path.
Working for an experiment which already has a shape and working for an experiment designing on your own hoping it would give expected result are completely different.The later case is an adventure with no confirmed, expected outcome.
A puzzled brain with thousands of confusing thoughts on one hand and dealing with internal stress to settle down and find peace in a different continent on the other hand – ending up on the question “Am I worth doing science?”. The moment this pops up, I find reasons to stay focused, I convince myself saying it is just a phase, it will pass.
I know I am not the only one struggling with this phase. There are many like me. I know people dealt with it. We too can. “Giving up” is not our mug of beer. At the end, it’s worth struggling, it’s a dream, it’s for love of Science.